


Out of Love

by Gruul



Series: 30 Days of Drabbles [4]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, Dissociation, Drabble, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:54:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24017041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gruul/pseuds/Gruul
Summary: A typical day.
Series: 30 Days of Drabbles [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1720414
Kudos: 4





	Out of Love

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on true events that happened to me when I was a adolescent.
> 
> Self-injury websites and Suicide Hotline: Please this isn't a joke if you need help, ask someone anyone, a close friend, family member, coworker, school counselor, or teacher.
> 
> USA National Suicide Hotlines
> 
> Toll-Free / 24 hours / 7 days a week
> 
> 1-800-SUICIDE  
> 1-800-784-2433
> 
> 1-800-273-TALK  
> 1-800-273-8255
> 
> TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
> 
> For issues involving Rape, Abuse, Incest, or Neglect contact RAINN at www.RAINN.org
> 
> or call 1-800-656-HOPE (all calls are anonymous and confidential) for more information and assistance on how to help yourself or a friend or family member. It should be noted that the call will not show up on a home phone bill because it is a free 800 number however, calling from a cell phone the number will appear on the bill should someone look at it. If this is a concern because your calls are monitored please use a landline or even a friend or family members cell phone, this call would also count against minutes on the cellular level based on your plan. There is also an online hotline you can access through the above website.
> 
> For British readers a Suicide Hotline available to you: Samaritans- In the UK dial 08457 90 90 90. In the Republic of Ireland dial 1850 60 90 90. - Thank you to the reader who provided this information!

Today was a bad day, 

I just wanna die. 

I’m shattering, 

I didn’t eat. I guess that’s good if you're fat like me right? Don’t need to feed the fat freak. 

Everyone’s chasing perfection, I’m not it. 

As a child I was told I would be fat if I kept eating 

Did I listen to them? Believe them? No I didn’t and now I’m paying for it. 

Lying in this bed I can’t sleep, it’s filled with nightmares and unwanted touches. I eat and binge myself to keep the memories away. 

The food does nothing but feel me. 

Three bottles of antidepressants, you would think I wouldn’t feel like this.

I’m killing myself slowly with them. 

No use of pumping my stomach right? 

The memories won’t burn, 

flickers of flames licks the walls, but those fucking memories won’t burn. 

The thing is, these things that are wrong with me; I don’t fix them, I repaint them.

I cut to anesthetize myself. It works for a while.

But not for forever.

I prostitute myself for people's attention, I’m a fucking attention whore. I’m such a sad song. 

I walk with a tragic backstory. It’s always saying look at me I’m broken. 

You see my Depression it drowns me, and the Anxiety it likes to provoke and poke. 

I bite my nails a lot 

My hands shake a lot, 

Visions dim, heart rate accelerates 

It happens everyday, three times a day? More? Who's counting it’s just a panic attack right? 

Nobody fucking cares; they pretend and then one day they stop caring. 

They’re all fakes. 

I’m shattering everyday a little more; I’m a porcelain doll with lots of chips. 

Sometimes I just want to give up. 

When I do I cry, bawl my heart out 

Another chip falls down to the floor

Heart Beating but not for long right? 

Wrong another day in hell, 

**I just wanna die today** . 


End file.
